it kills me that i can’t get to you

i have always found it absurd how people can romantically fall in love with someone they barely know.
yes, by this, i mean romantically,
not in the parasocial way you love a celebrity
or the filial way you love a deceased parent.

how does one do it?
you don’t know them.
you don’t know their history.
you don’t know what they do as a pastime.
you barely know what they sound like.
hell, you’ve barely even talked to them.
how. does. one. do. it?

that is until i met him.

i have known him for a long time.
through the list of people in the silly group chats we all created and joined in middle school
and the words spoken by my best friend about how you were the perfect person but not for her,
i have known him.
through the gossip stories,
through the tagged photos,
through the mutual friend talks,
i have seen him,
and i have learned about him,
and i have known him,
and known him,
and known him.

yet, i have ignored him.

falling for you feels like experiencing lights out while i’m doing assignments.
it feels like falling into a hole that wasn’t visible when i was walking.
it feels like going into a movie not knowing that it’s a horror.
unlike other relationships that start with butterflies in my heart,
my feelings for you started with the shocking drop of my heart.

and it’s embarrassing, frankly,
the idea of falling for someone like you:
someone i know i’ll never reach;
someone who is so close, yet so far;
someone who is just one click away;
someone who i can grab, but not
without looking like a crazy person.

it kills me that i can’t get to you,
but that doesn’t mean i’ll stop.

i hope these hands of mine reach yours,
and these lips of mine feel the touch of yours,
and the smell of mine haunts your days,
and we will forever be entangled.

i hope i will be yours.
i hope i will get to you.